Litany of Limericks (Group 2)
More Prints For the Sands of Time
Wilbur Fudd stepped into sand it is said
For posterity his prints to imbed,
But he soon disappeared,
And now it is feared
It must have been quicksand instead
The Cat Was no Kitten
A mean-mannered kid found it fittin'
To pick up a cat and start hittin'
But the surly young blade-
He got fittingly sprayed
He had picked on a skunk, not a kitten
Burying the Hatchet
Some Indians who fought on the prairie
Their hatchets decided to bury
They were buried instead
Into each other's head
A few stayed alive, but not very
The Night Carrier Landing
When he came in at night to the carrier
His landing got hairy and scarier
His plight became dire
When his hook missed the wire
He was finally saved by the barrier
London Confusion
To a London car rental I strode
I might not have gone had I knowed
I'd go in and out
On that blamed round about
And drive the wrong side of the road
A Dog-Gone Limerick
A man once encountered two dogs that impressed him.
One day as he rode on his bike they addressed him.
Though they rose to unseat him,
They chose not to eat him.
They knew they could never digest him.
Snoring is Boring
I do not think bedtime is boring
But my wife complains I'm exploring
With a new nasal sound
I seem to have found
All night she's awake from my snoring
That Warm Feeling
My dog is nearsighted and hardly can see
But I took him out walking with me
When I felt something warm
I looked down with alarm
My dog thought my leg was a tree
Our Venerable Politician
Though his tongue is incessantly wagging,
His feet, undetected, are dragging
What he does with his word
Is not what we heard,
When he seems to be Zigging, he's zagging
Terra Firma
When the earth starts to shudder and murmer
In China, California or Burma
I've reached the conclusion,
This is no illusion
Our Terra is no longer Firma
Winin’, Dinin’, and Whinin’
For winin’ and dinin’ Bernie dated Jane Hall
He expected a ‘payback’, even though it be small
But Jane didn’t know
What involved quid pro quo
Alas, poor ole Bernie got nothin’ at all
Beware of the Penny You Pinch
There’s a pinch-penny miser named Benny
His morals were few if not any
Ole Ben made a pass
At Penelope Glass
He will never again pinch a Penny
With the ‘wimmin’ of NOW there has been
A movement to eliminate men
To this I’m aghast,
So I look to the past
For the old fashioned ladies of THEN
The Bitesman Trophy Winner
(A series of limericks commemorating
That great role model for children-
”Iron Mouth” Tyson)
In Las Vegas a massive confusion
Was caused by Mike’s dental occlusion
When Holyfield’s ear
Twixt his teeth did appear
To replace it required plastic fusion
Tyson, the once fearsome fighter
Is known better now as a biter
When Holyfield’s weight
Seemed a little too great
He bit off his ear to make lighter
Tyson, the felon, a rapist and more
Has now added littering to increase the score
It seemed to appear
When he bit off an ear
He spit the ear out on the floor
Henry’s Limerick
On his arm Henry had an infection
So he asked for a doctor’s inspection
When they cut off the arm
Henry cried in alarm,
“I really don’t want a dissection!”
The Entrepreneur
An enlightened young entrepreneur
Made products organic and pure
His rich fertilizer
Made all grass grow higher
He was known to be onto manure
The Sleight Of Hand Artist
A pretty young lady from Spain
Was pinched as she rode on a plane
The suspect they sought
But he never was caught
He was a master at legerdemain
How the Mountain Got its Name
The pious monk swore he'd be staying
On the mountain just standing and praying
But as he grew older
And the weather got colder
When you now see him prayin, 'Himalayan'
Canadian Fishing
A boy named Sass and his Uncle Don
Liked to fish in the mid-morn sun
Don was quite fast;
He caught lots of Bass
But I didn’t see Sas-katch-e-wan
Bernie and Joanna
Bern, shaking his head, said he canna
Recall any girl named Joanna
Perhaps he sat by her
In a middle school choir
When the two of them both sang soprana